Mountain Of Empty Calories

Posted on February 10, 2014 by Robert Downs

New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

After reading NEW MOON, I feel like I ate a mountain of empty calories without any real payoff at the end. Sure, it was an enjoyable read, written for a particular audience, and done very well in that regard; sure, it had a steady pace like a racehorse destined for some sort of glory; and sure, there was no point where I wanted to put the book down, toss it across the room, or throw it in a garbage can. But I feel like Stephenie Meyer could have offered us so much more.

The basic plotline is this: Edward leaves, Bella stays, and then Edward returns. As a teenager myself, once, I like to believe I offered the world slightly more depth than what this particular story entailed. Of course, maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part. But it doesn’t mean I will stop this particular saga in midstream, nor will I postpone the third book.

Since TWILIGHT offered the reader a bit more than this one did, I suppose I had set slightly higher expectations for this one. Not grand expectations, mind you, but I did hope to be dazzled a bit more than I was, especially since there is talent at work here.

I am curious to see what happens to these two ill-fated lovers, but I hope the next two novels prove a bit more interesting than this one did. If you thoroughly enjoyed the first book, or even if you’re just curious to see what everyone is talking about, or if you happen to connect with these particular relationships on some level, as I did, or you’re using this series as a marketing study, you probably won’t want to miss this one. Otherwise, you may feel a little disappointed at the end.

Flapjack Connoisseur

Posted on February 9, 2014 by Robert Downs

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
My Rating: 3/5 Stars

So what can I say about TWILIGHT that hasn’t already been said? Honestly, probably not a whole hell of a lot. But has that ever stopped me? No way. But I realize I’m coming to the party after the house has already burned down, the cops have shown up, and they’re proceeding to take witness statements from a bunch of half-stunned, half-drunk teenagers. On the other hand, that’s not so bad either. Reviews are all about honest opinions, and I certainly have one of those.

Let’s get this out of the way upfront: Like many folks by now, I have friends that love the series, friends that tolerate it, friends that hate it, and friends that will never read it. But with any book worth its mashed potatoes and gravy, it will have devoted fans, passionate enemies, and folks that politically resemble Switzerland and Canada. When it comes to books that have reached a broad audience, it’s the circle of life. And for the amount of money Stephenie Meyer now has shoved down the front of her jeans, she’s probably not going to complain too hard.

So what’s my take on the series? I did my best to reserve judgment until after I’d read TWILIGHT, which by the way wasn’t easy, since it has only managed to spawn four novels and five movies, the first four of which have grossed a little over a billion dollars domestic. And I’ll give you the bottom line, in case you want to stop reading sooner rather than later: I wouldn’t call it a well-written series, but I was absorbed in Bella’s world from the very beginning, and I found myself flipping pages like a flapjack connoisseur at the local Denny’s. I really wanted to know where Stephenie Meyer would take me, and I was more than willing to hop on board and go along for the ride.

So why does the series work? We can spend all day analyzing it from a multitude of different angles, but here’s the one undisputable point: She connected with a large group of readers who had either experienced a teenage crush firsthand or knew someone who had. Depending on how you look at it, I was fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to have an all-consuming, all-encompassing relationship a number of years ago. Am I a better person for it? It’s really hard to say, but I ended up learning a hell of a lot from that relationship, and I wouldn’t be where I am now had that relationship continued on its sea bound voyage. So in the end, I could relate to Bella and Edward, and the devoted Twihard fanbase.

As for the rating, I feel like I should provide a slight explanation. I debated hard about giving it more than three stars, but in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s a good novel, and a rather light read, but there was nothing great about it. Nothing that really made it stand out for me. Now I know there are probably quite a few people who will disagree with me wholeheartedly about my previous statement, and like Ms. Meyer, I’m okay with that.

Pedal To The Metal

Posted on February 8, 2014 by Robert Downs

The Ascendant: A Thriller by Drew Chapman
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

I liked this novel. Well, that might be a bit of an understatement. I really, really liked this novel. Probably not loved it, but I’m as proud of it as if it had been my own story. But then I love finance and interest rate fluctuations and bond markets and stock markets and financial analysis and market analysis and fundamental and technical analysis and trading and investing and growth opportunities and domestic along with overseas investing. And it doesn’t matter if we’re talking stocks or bonds or mutual funds or index funds, as long as that fucker is growing faster than the inflation rate. So it’s probably safe to say I like the thought of making fuckloads of money in the financial markets. Will I get there? Probably not. But I’m going to have a whole hell of a lot of fun trying.

Sure, I may have to forgo even the most basic sense of morality, but any good analyst worth his salt has the moral code of a politician involved in the latest sex scandal who was then discovered to be funded by both North Korea and the Chinese. Analysts may be arrogant little pissants who put money before God and country and the almighty dollar, but if I were to have a lobotomy to go along with my serious injection of badass, I might wipe the floor with more than a few Yale and Harvard grads and then kick the crap out of a few Stanford grads to round out the equation.

One day I’d like to strive for some real intuitive investigative work of the financial persuasion where I call out some seriously bad dudes who like to twiddle their thumbs and play with numbers all day. Even if it means I get smacked around in a bar fight, tossed into the middle of a war game field exercise, shoved on a plane headed to Detroit in the middle of the mother of all power outages, and stared down by the SecDef, I might still consider it a good investment, or then again, I might not. It’s really hard to say at this point.

I even like the military with its rules and regulations and lack of creative thinkers and checks and double-checks and inside-the-box thinking and command directives and statuesque tendencies where the orders come down from above with a finger and a fist pump and smiles are rather hard to come by and the general wheels around in a Humvee and if I’m lucky, I might get to see another sunrise tomorrow.

THE ASCENDANT bounced between finance and the military with effortless ease, tossed in China and Las Vegas and Wall Street and the Midwest for good measure, and cut and recut as this brisk, relentless ride never let up. I might have passed a missile silo or two in my rearview mirror, and a nuclear reactor might have been ready to explode in my vicinity, but I didn’t care, because it was pedal to the metal, baby, all the way to the finish line.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.

Man’s Best Friend

Posted on February 7, 2014 by Robert Downs

Thereby Hangs A Tail by Spencer Quinn
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Me and Bernie working a case. There’s nothing better. The wind whipping my fur, the barking—I was barking?—my head out the window taking in the breeze and the smells—don’t even get me started on the desert smells after a hard rain. The squirrels and the choke—squirrel—collar and the tumbleweeds and steak (juicy deliciousness) and bacon (definitely not the crisp kind) and little rats and weasels and biting pant legs and opening doors and hamburger and chew strips and an entire family pack of bacon—don’t even get me started.

And I bark and Iggy barks and I bark and Iggy barks, and then Iggy disappears—no, he’s back again—and I slurp fresh water (the smell) and of course I like Slim Jims—what kind of a silly question is that?—and silly stoners and Bernie needs a loaner and we’re off and running on the case, or maybe that’s just me. But then I see a squirrel and a Frisbee and of course I like fetch—what kind of a question is that?—and the Porsche with its clickety-clack-clack sound before it all breaks down. Bernie boxing for show and nearly losing all his dough and fast food—where? did I miss it?—and ice cubes (like a cold biscuit before it dissolves in my mouth) and special treats and sitting in the backseat—let me tell you, it’s not as fun as shotgun.

Holy hell, Chet and I could be best friends, but he’s man’s best friend, so it’s all good. But good doesn’t even begin to describe this massive amount of fun. Chet may have the attention span of a fruit fly, but he’s got the voice of an experienced gumshoe digging through the entrails of his next case, and he’ll see it through all the way to the end, even if he manages to get sidetracked every three-and-a-half minutes.

The sidetracks, though, are where things tend to get interesting. Sure, there’s a mystery—albeit a slightly simple one, but this is a dog we’re talking about after all—and sure, it’s solved by the end but the real excitement lies in the and back roads and dog shows—perfect for a world-class gumshoe of the canine variety.

I’ll need to hold my fedora in my hand the next time I see Spencer Quinn—there was a brief encounter at the Albany Bouchercon—because he really nailed Chet’s voice. Nailed it so well that I thought I was a dog for a few hours, and I really, really want to be a dog all over again sometime soon. It’s a good thing I have TO FETCH A THIEF in the reading queue. Because if I didn’t, I’d certainly need to put it there…like right now.

Nebulous Bad Dude

Posted on February 6, 2014 by Robert Downs

Diamonds Are Forever by Ian Fleming
My Rating: 3/5 Stars

If I were a woman, I might conduct a séance, and then throttle the spirit of Ian Fleming. He’s not a bad guy, mind you, but just once, I’d like to see a female character give James Bond a run for his money. So far I’m still waiting for a return on my initial investment. And I know this is one investment that probably won’t pan out, but I can still hold onto a faint glimmer of false hope.

Vesper Lynd did come close, but she ultimately failed when paired next to Bond’s wit and charm. Tiffany Case, however, pales in comparison. But you don’t read James Bond to gain profound insights into the female psyche, unless you want to end up several miles in the wrong direction with a broken radiator and a flat tire.

I do find it interesting that once again Bond is tortured, and once again the reader completely misses out on the experience. Mr. Fleming must have decided that he couldn’t top the scene in CASINO ROYALE, which brought a whole new meaning to the word punishment, so he decided to not even try. Life, though, proves a whole lot more interesting and fun and exciting, when you toss a cement wall in the middle of the highway every once in a while.

While I enjoyed DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, the main bad dude felt a bit nebulous, almost like an evil presence more than an evil person. And while the action was present and accounted for, it felt a bit less than full throttle, and the scenes seemed to end much too quickly.

I’ve enjoyed the Bond study thus far, simply because of his vast influence, and I’m happy to continue my journey, but I am thankful there’s no test at the end.

Identity Crisis

Posted on February 4, 2014 by Robert Downs

Unspoken by Dee Henderson
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

I know I shouldn’t complain about free books, but just over three months to approve a NetGalley request and nine days after the book’s release date. Excuse me…what? Now my reviewing queue is all out of whack, and I feel like I’ve been hung from the rafters by my ankles by a former NFL linebacker.

I suppose I should have counted on the fact that my request might have been approved, but I’m a writer, and I know how rejection works. If you don’t hear anything after a month or so (sometimes longer), you mark that particular request down as a no, and you move on with your life. I know I did. But I was tossed back in the game. So here we are you and I.

Before we stroll too far in this particular endeavor together, though, I should mention this novel is Christian fiction. So if that ain’t how you like to spike your punch bowl, then you might want to exit stage right, or duck and cover. I won’t be offended, but Jesus might.

All this novel needed was a funeral. *BEGIN SPOILER* I mean, we have a wedding and an arranged marriage and painting and coins and kidnapping and running and an identity shift and a fake name and competing plotlines and a multi-billion dollar inheritance (wouldn’t that be nice?) and charitable giving and are you confused yet? Because I sure felt like I was headed in that direction, if I didn’t already find that particular exit. *END SPOILER*

Faith reminds me of a blanket wrapped tight around you. It’s beautiful and comforting and wonderful and protecting. It fills your life with purpose and hope and promise, and it points you in the right direction, guiding you along a path better than the one you could have chosen for yourself. But it can be a thin veil, and when it shatters or tears apart, it’s completely ripped to shreds, and those wonderful, comforting feelings disintegrate into a cloud of dust. Charlotte is broken, and UNSPOKEN covers her journey to find her way back.

This book felt like it had a bit of an identity crisis. Sure, there was suspense, and there was romance, but I never felt like the two blended together as seamlessly as they should have. Instead of peanut butter and jelly, it was more oil and water.

I didn’t hate it, but I can’t say I particularly liked it either. In the end, I just sort of shrugged my shoulders and set the book aside, as I moved on to the next one.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.

Entertaining Read

Posted on February 3, 2014 by Robert Downs

Moonraker by Ian Fleming
My Rating: 3/5 Stars

I have to say MOONRAKER didn’t have as much action as either of the two previous Bond novels. At least at the beginning anyway. Sure there was the consummate card game and torture scene, but neither hit as hard or as fast as what happened in CASINO ROYALE. But this was certainly an entertaining read, even though the female characters seemed to wilt at the first sign of trouble, or at least gave the distinct impression of the likelihood of such an occurrence.

I know it’s too much to ask (and it’s certainly not going to stop me from reading the rest of said novels), but just once I’d like to see a woman kick some serious butt in this series. I’d have to say the closest female so far has been Vesper Lynd, and even she had her flaws. Gala Brand held a certain amount of intrigue and promise, but I felt like the afterburner element was missing from her character.

Bond does show a bit of his human side in this one by not actually getting the girl (being just a mere mortal like the rest of us), which does make his character a bit more interesting, even if said girl (Gala) does notice his ample charm. And he, in turn, notices her abundant curves. Yes, these novels might be called fluff, but like Bond, these novels hold a sophisticated air and charm that isn’t easily quantifiable, and that’s what makes them so gosh darn entertaining.

Mystery From A Dog’s Perspective

Posted on February 2, 2014 by Robert Downs

6282379 Dog On It by Spencer Quinn
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

If you ever wanted to stick your head inside a dog’s brain, wiggle it around a little, and see what decides to pop out, then DOG ON IT is the book for you. If you’re a mystery lover with a heightened sense of curiosity about said dog, then that’s even better. If you don’t love dogs on some sort of basic level, then you might find yourself in a state of uncertainty. Or maybe you like unique voices in detective fiction. But the bottom line is it’s all about the dog, and Chet fills every page with his unique perspective.

This book was an easy read, but it was a darn fine enjoyable one, too. Chet was lovable, affectionate, filled with happiness and joy, and just so darn cute. He changed direction about as often as Britney Spears changes her underwear, but I got caught up in whatever scent, or thread, or squirrel happened to pop into view.

As for unique voices, though, I’m drawn to those like cars are to potholes. Chet made me feel like I was driving down I-25 with my head stuck out the window and the wind assaulting me, as my nostrils filled with the fresh air after a brief desert rain. The rhythm of the sentences, the quick turn of direction, and the bubbles that seemed to pop with the utmost ease allowed me to believe I was inside Chet’s head every step of the way.

Sure, Chet had his faults, but he was as lovable on the first page as he was on the last. And sure the mystery could have been more complicated, but this is a dog’s perspective after all. It helps to look at it from a slightly tinted glass. Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave, because Chet is here to stay.

Jack-In-The-Box

Posted on February 2, 2014 by Robert Downs

Three Graves Full by Jamie Mason
My Rating: 3/5 Stars

I’d like to thank my friend Delee for throwing down the gauntlet and shoving me with both hands toward the finish line. I couldn’t help but accept her challenge, and now I’d like to offer up one to you, my friends. If you haven’t read her reviews, you need to do so right now. I’ll wait twiddles thumbs and taps foot…and we’re back.

If that wasn’t enough history on this novel, I have a bit more for you. I met the lovely Jamie Mason at Bouchercon where we briefly discussed Goodreads—and no I didn’t mention that I was a card-carrying member—although I suppose I could have, and then puffed out my chest accordingly, only to be smacked from behind by the next guy in line. While her smiling personality didn’t persuade me in any way with this review, it’s one of those nice-to-know pieces of information that I like to keep in my hip pocket for emergency purposes.

I don’t really know what to think of THREE GRAVES FULL. Smarter people than me have rated it four stars, but since I’m not that smart I’m going to rate it at three, and end up in the same boat as Switzerland and Canada headed toward the Arctic Circle.

On the one hand, the writing popped higher than a jack-in-the-box, and I was left wishing God had actually granted me a few more IQ points, so that my prose might be wonderful and lyrical and fantastical. And I could form more than a coherent thought or two before—squirrel—the next distraction. There was plenty to distract my mind, and more than one storyline to keep things extra interesting, but then again, that might have been why I ended up seeing a scurry of squirrels around nearly every bend, and instead of taking me a few days (like Delee), this novel took me a few months, and I even added an additional one on for good measure.

On the other hand, I would have preferred a bit more action with my lyrical prose, and a stronger spine on Jason Getty, instead of one that bent rather abruptly at the slightest provocation. It really felt as though this novel tried to do a bit too much amidst its 320 pages—a darkly humorous literary novel with a clever twist and a tense pace. But I’m also fairly certain this is one of those it’s not you, it’s me instances.

Animals Humping In The Wild

Posted on January 30, 2014 by Robert Downs

The Initiation Of Ms. Holly by K.D. Grace
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

I think it’s a damn shame more men don’t get accosted on trains. Ladies, you’re missing out on one hell of an opportunity. And fellas…what the hell? We need to rectify this situation immediately. If you’re a woman, you should strut like it’s your birthday…every single day. Having confidence is the key, and that confidence just might lead to more men being shoved into bathrooms and waylaid in sleeper cars. There’s a reason God created man first: If God had started with Eve, he would have clapped his hands together and said, “I think we’re done here.” Fellas, we wouldn’t even be a blip on the intergalactic radar. And it’s all because women have bodies that just don’t quit. Even God knows this.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say THE INITIATION OF MS. HOLLY was written by a teenage boy. A teenage boy who wrote frantically, pounding away at the keys like some untamed beast, and grasping for every orgy and orifice he could think of. This was basically one long porn fantasy with dominance and subservience included for good measure. All the women were perfect with tits the size of watermelons, or smaller, perkier breasts with perfect precision and icicle nipples and tanned skin and luscious lips. Not that I can rightfully complain, mind you, but I felt like with every page I was about to get arrested, tossed in a government prison, and held hostage by some woman in a leather cat suit.

I like sex. But I was equal parts turned on and disgusted with this read. It was the equivalent of walking onto a porn set, and watching everyone from the actors to the producers to the lighting and sound guys humping away like there was no tomorrow. I mean, it might have been nice to have the sex actually come to a screeching halt and maybe even see a bit of character development. This doesn’t need to be literary fiction, but even an entire high school football team shoved into a brothel would take a few deep breaths or maybe stop to eat on occasion.

Instead of resembling actual people, the characters felt like pawns on a chessboard shoved into position for the next sex scene. In short, the characters reminded me more of animals humping in the wild than actual human beings.

If that’s your shtick, then by all means have at it, but I had hoped for just a wee bit more.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.