Serapheliums and Sexual Auras

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My Rating: 2/5 Stars

“Girlfriend, I have no idea how to rate this novel.”

“What the hell? You’re supposed to be some kind of expert.”

“An expert in sex? Do you think any man in his right mind is skilled in the art of seduction? Many have tried–”

Holds up her hand. “I see your point. There’s really no need to embarrass yourself further, even if you do write these reviews for what must be your own entertainment.”

“But people actually read them. I get likes and comments–”

“And you can wish and hope and dream, but that doesn’t mean you’re actually going to reach your goals.” Pauses to look at her hands. “So let’s get to the skinny before I need to have my nails done.”

“Well, there was sex.”

“Porn has sex. Was it the good kind? Filled with emotional buildup and payoff and romantic nomenclatures and heat and seduction and equally strong men and women?”

“Ummm, maybe I need to consult a thesaurus.”

“For the love of rainbows and unicorns, you’re killing me.” Slaps her forehead. “You know, this isn’t your first erotica novel, right?”

“True, but this was my first erotica novel set in space.”

“Is that any different?”

“Well…probably not. But there was a Seraphelium.”

“What the hell is that?”

“She controls the male libido and endorphins with just her touch. She can also amplify and harness the energy around her. And she has a sexual aura that would bring Rambo to his knees.”

“And all the sci-fi geeks utter a collective sigh right before downloading this novel onto their iPads, Kindles, Kobos and Nooks.” Another pause while she scratches her head. “But was there an actual story?”

“I think so.”

“What do you mean, think?”

“Well, it was hard to tell because I had trouble pulling myself out of the sex scenes. And I had trouble getting past the undercover hooker with breasts the size of hot air balloons. I also felt a rather pounding need to procure a laser pointer.”

“You know at the rate you’re going you won’t even be a good reviewer let alone a professional one. Goodreads will probably freeze your account right before they decide to delete it. And as for your blog, have you actually managed to procure any followers?”


“Do you have anything else to add? Or are you going to continue along in a semi-retarded state?”

“A TOUCH OF LILLY seemed to switch POV at times in the middle of a scene. It was a tad distracting–”

“Like this review?”

“Hey, I put time and effort into this work of art.”

“So do the manufacturers of washing machines, and you don’t see any of them receiving gold stars. You need to focus, my idiot friend.”

Drifts off to focus on bountiful breasts, clinging cleavage, feminine charms, and elevated libidos, before the hard slap of reality smacks me with a manicured fingernail.

“You’re not that attractive when you drool.”

“I didn’t think I was particularly attractive anyway. But I like to believe I hold a certain charm and appeal. You know, like a washing machine.”

“You really are an idiot.”

“Why, thank you.”

Her hand moves in a circular motion. “The novel…”

“Dallas and Lilly proved to be equally strong characters, while Theagan was a somewhat loveable alien with a bit too much testosterone. The plot was filled with a bit too many coincidences, and therefore, strained my believability factor a tad too much. But there was talent at work here, even confined to such a small space (less than 200 pages). And you already know how I feel about the sex scenes.”

“You’re such a typical man. When one head is full–”

“Hey, there’s no need to get graphic. Children may actually read this.”

“An erotica review?”

“Sure, why not? I like to believe this is actually somewhat entertaining, as this novel certainly was. But at least one of the sexual encounters seemed to be based on pure male fantasy, although since I’m a typical male, as you so aptly pointed out, I’ll try not to complain too hard.”

“I think you already did.”

“Well, the sexual encounter seemed a bit too farfetched, even if the novel was set in space, and Lilly was a Seraphelium.”

“And there you have it folks.” She executes a golf clap and lifts her right eyebrow.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.

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